In the nightmare world where I own a wrestling promotion, Jiminy Glick is the backstage interviewer. Everything else is straight. The wrestling is serious, the commentary is informative, it’s just that the backstage interviewer is Jiminy Glick, the tyrant king of Hollywood press junkets. He is himself, but, everything else being straight, he is taken as seriously as “Mean” Gene Okerlund, except that everybody leaves the weird little interview set a tad deflated, as if they’ve peered into the future and realized that their existence on this earth, however big it may seem now, is actually quite insignificant, less even than a fallen statue of a forgotten conqueror. Jiminy, meanwhile, seems kind of bored.
If you’ll permit me to reuse a couple of Tweets, here’s how I think it would go down
CM Punk
Jiminy Glick
CM Punk. Tell me about your friends.
CM Punk
What do you want to know?
Jiminy Glick
Well, for starters, do you have any?
Hulk Hogan
Jiminy Glick
So, Hulkster, Hulkamania is still running wild?
Hulk Hogan
That’s right, brother.
Jiminy Glick
You mean we haven’t found a cure?
Triple H
Jiminy Glick
You used to be quite wealthy.
Triple H
I’m pretty well off.
Jiminy Glick
Do you find it strange that your friends only talk to you when they need money?
Kevin Nash
Jiminy Glick
I’m here with Kevin Nash, who has the confidence to call himself Big Sexy. “Big” is certainly apropos, but “sexy” is a bit of a stretch, don’t you think? How have you maintained this façade for so long in the face of so many mirrors?
The Rock
Jiminy Glick
You’ve been in movies.
The Rock
A couple.
Jiminy Glick
That’s a surprise.
Ric Flair
Jiminy Glick
Ric Flair, you’re … alive. Isn’t that interesting? When I saw your name on the format I thought to myself, “Well Jiminy, nobody’s interviewed a corpse before.” I’ll settle.
Cody Rhodes
Jiminy Glick
Can you give me the short version of your story?
Cody Rhodes
Well, my father, Dusty—
Jiminy Glick
You can always say “no.”
Vince McMahon
Jiminy Glick
It’s such a pleasure to have you here, Vince.
Vince McMahon
Why thank you, Jiminy, it’s nice to be here.
Jiminy Glick
What’s your secret?
Vince McMahon
It’s become a little cliché at this point, but in two words? Ruthless aggression.
Jiminy Glick
And when it comes to covering up a lifetime of alleged criminal activity?
Billy Gunn
Jiminy Glick: You’re a proud ass man.
Billy Gunn
I have been known to appreciate an ass.
Jiminy Glick
What are your feelings on other body parts?
Billy Gunn
What?
Jiminy Glick
Are you a finger man? A knee man? An appendix man? Or are asses a kind of monomania for you?
Billy Gunn
A finger man?
Jiminy Glick
Yes. You know, fingers? They do this—
Jiminy Glick
[Pinches a donut between his thumb and index finger.]
Jiminy Glick
Among other things.
Tony Khan
Jiminy Glick
I have to ask: Are you on cocaine?
Tony Khan
No. I’ve never done cocaine.
Jiminy Glick
There’s plenty backstage if you’d like to try.
